Shame Support
Getting to the Root of Shame
Do you ever feel unlovable or unworthy?
Are you critical of yourself if you make a mistake?
Do you over apologize to others?
Fearful of being rejected by others?
Experience feelings of disconnection from yourself and others?
Understanding Shame
Shame is a universal and deeply painful emotion. It tells us we are bad, broken, worthless, and unlovable. These beliefs strike at the very core of our identity and can shape the way we see ourselves and relate to others. Beneath shame lies a longing—to belong, to be loved, and to feel connected.
“Shame whispers lies about your worth.” — Zara Hairston
Shame vs. Guilt
Before diving deeper, it’s important to understand the difference between shame and guilt. Brené Brown, expert on shame, explains that shame says, “I am bad,” and guilt says, “I did something bad.” Guilt can be healthy—it motivates us to make amends, seek forgiveness, and restore trust. Shame, on the other hand, isolates us and undermines our sense of self-worth.
How Shame Shows Up
Shame rarely stands alone. It often hides beneath other emotions like sadness, fear, anger, or anxiety. It can manifest as self-doubt, negative self-talk, and feelings of inadequacy. Perfectionism, chronic worry, and confusion may also be signs of shame. When shame takes hold, we may feel disconnected or mistrustful—both of ourselves and those around us.
Shame also shows up in our bodies. We might shrink, sweat, fidget, or avoid eye contact. The body may take on what’s known as the “shame posture”: slumped shoulders, a caved-in chest, and downward gaze. In these moments, stress hormones flood the body, and the nervous system can freeze.
Behaviorally, shame might cause someone to withdraw, people-please, submit to others, or lash out defensively. Even when we aren’t consciously aware of it, shame often drives these patterns.
Where Shame Comes From
Shame usually has deep roots. It often stems from childhood experiences—such as growing up in a critical or emotionally neglectful environment or experiencing trauma or abuse. It can also be passed down through family systems or reinforced by cultural or systemic oppression.
As therapist Sheila Rubin says,
“Shame is the breaking of the interpersonal bridge.”
Though painful, it’s important to recognize that shame once had a purpose. It helped us stay safe, adapt to our environment, and avoid rejection. But over time, shame outlives its usefulness and begins to harm more than it protects.
What Helps
Shame thrives in secrecy. When we bring it into the light—by speaking it, sharing it, and being seen—it begins to lose its grip.
Healing begins with safe connection. Working with a trusted therapist, practicing vulnerability in secure relationships, and learning self-compassion can all support this process. Identifying core negative beliefs and exploring how we relate to ourselves and others—especially through an attachment lens—can create powerful shifts in how we experience shame.
A Safe Space for Healing
As a therapist, I’ve walked alongside many clients as they begin the work of healing shame. My personal and professional experiences have taught me just how essential it is to create a safe, nonjudgmental space—one where you feel truly seen, heard, and supported as you explore your most vulnerable emotions.
Shame thrives in silence, but with gentle guidance, its hold can be released. Discover a path to genuine self-compassion, where your story is honored and your true self can emerge.
